The Etiquette of Giving and Receiving Gifts

Giving and receiving gifts can be a bit of a minefield. It shouldn’t be, but it is. People have different approaches when it comes to giving and receiving gifts. Some people value a sense of fairness, whilst others value homemade gifts. For some, their love language is gift giving and receiving so they value this method of sharing affection above any other love language. For more ideas on giving according to a person’s love language read our post How to give the perfect gift according to Personality Types.

Gift-giving should not be considered a chore, but it can be, especially if you are giving to somebody because you feel obliged to. Such a gesture can cause bitterness and create an uncomfortable environment. So here is our guide when giving and receiving gifts from others.

It is Good Etiquette to Give Gifts

Ask any ambassador from any country what the key to good diplomacy is and they will say giving and receiving gifts. Most royal and state collections comprise of gifts from leaders from different countries and communities over the centuries. It’s a way to build cordial relationships before negotiating trade and peace deals. It is also a good method to reach out to new communities you have never encountered before.

Admittedly, some leaders have used this ceremony as a status symbol. They show off the strength and wealth of their nation by offering expensive, rare gifts. And this attitude can be transferred to a domestic level as well. It is called the Status Game.

Beware of The Status Game

According to journalist Will Storr, in his book The Status Game, all humans have an inbuilt disposition to reach the highest status in their community for their own survival. This primaeval desire is as much part of our survival programming as the fight or flight mechanism or reproduction. In order to get the best parts of the latest hunt or to marry the chieftain’s daughter one has to present themselves as the bravest, fiercest warrior/hunter to show that he can provide for their family/tribe. They need to ingratiate themselves into a community and once they have been accepted they need to climb to the top to flourish.

Will Storr explains that this subconscious urge to reach the esteem of others guides our actions, whether it is in politics, the workplace, a social group, a religious organisation, or even in one’s own family. And the way one gives gifts is a clear indicator on whether they are playing the status game, or whether they are giving based on the kindest of their heart, without wanting any favours in return.

Do you know anyone who boasts as they give presents? A mother who explains how expensive the gift was, or even an uncle who boasts how much he saved? These are both indicators that they are playing the Status game. They are trying to impress you or others in your family. But giving gifts should be done out of love and affection. Any other way is going to ruin their status in the family. It is your choice whether to tell them this or not. They may not even realise they are playing the status game, but they won’t succeed in gaining your love and respect if they boast about giving a gift.

Think of the Receiver

When giving gifts the simplest rule is this: Think of the Receiver. What would they really want? What would they truly treasure? It’s not about you, it is about them. By all means, tell them a story behind the present you have given, that will enrich the experience of receiving, but don’t boast and never tell them how much it costs. The more gracious you are as a giver the more esteem you will gain from the receiver.

Here are some other things to consider:

Their culture – would your gift be well recieved, or cause offence? Do some research to avoid a faux pas.
Presentation – how will you wrap the present?
Avoid unwanted gifts – Be careful of giving too personal items some as clothes where you have to guess clothes sizes or religious items that the receipient is unlikely to use.
Include a card – A handwritten personal note is a lovely touch.
Consider timing – Some people give presents at the most unsuitable time. Just be sensitive to the reciptient’s mood and how busy they are, before you thrust a present in their hands.

But what if I hate their guts?

Have you ever picked out a name for Secret Santa of an office worker you don’t like? Do you always have to buy a present for great Aunt Marge despite the fact she is an ungrateful receiver and highly critical? It is understandable that you may not want to spend your precious money on someone you don’t even like.

Will Rogers famously said, “Too many people spend money they haven’t earned to buy things they don’t want to impress people they don’t like.”

If you don’t like a person, don’t buy them a gift, even if you feel obliged to do so. Don’t even give them something you don’t want. Don’t bother making them something cheap and simple. Do not waste your money on an empty gesture. That would be more insulting than giving nothing at all.

Gift Giving is an act of love. If you don’t love someone, don’t give them a gift.

The Etiquette of Receiving Gifts

There is a good way to receive gifts and there is an awful ungracious way to receive gifts. Some people behave appallingly when they have been given a present. They sneer at it. They criticise it and the giver. They can make the giver feel inadequate. Do you know anyone like this in your life? They can ruin a celebration with their ungrateful nature. Perhaps you have behaved like this before?

Here are a few pointers on how to receive graciously:

Remember to say ‘Thank you’. Many times we receive a present and we talk about it and make comments like, “I love it”, but we may accidentally forget to say, “thank you”. People remember that. They may say, “but she never said thank you.” So always remember to say “thank you”, or better still write a thank you letter or/card. Then it is in writing.
Show interest in the giver. Don’t just unwrap one present after another without taking notice on who gave you what. Show your interest in the giver and the effort they made to select your present.
Receive with grace. There is nothing more obvious than fake humility. It comes across as sarcastic. If you truly believe in the good intentions of the giver, then you can receive a gift with grace even if they didn’t spend as much on your gift as you spent on theirs. If you receive gifts with grace you will boost the self-esteem of the giver.

What If You Don’t Like The Gift

We have all been there. We have all received doozers. We know the giver has spent their precious time and money on the gift, believing wholeheartedly that you will like the gift. It will break their little heart if you tell them you hate the gift. So, don’t tell them! Try and find one positive thing about the gift and comment on that. You don’t have to lie, but you do need to be tactful.

If you need to return the gift, you need to be especially delicate. Try and do it without the giver knowing. If the gift is damaged you may need to tell them to get the receipt, but there is a polite way to do this. Be honest, but super subtle and super complimentary when you ask for the receipt. You could say that the gift is lovely, but sadly slightly damaged, or that you want it in another colour (if that is true).

However, if you just don’t like the gift you may need to sell it on eBay or Facebook and hope they never find out. However, if they are friends with you on FB, they’ll probably find out.

Developing good habits for your child

Children need to learn how to give and receive gifts with grace and decorum. ‘Only children’ are often unfairly accused of being spoilt, because they may receive a lot of presents for their birthday or Christmas time. However, children from larger families may squabble about their presents and compare gifts with indignation. If your child learns the art of giving and receiving gifts at an early age they will impress their relatives and the adult community surrounding them, and they will make more friends with their peers.

Christmas is a great time to show your child how to give and receive gifts with grace. Here are some tips on how you can demonstrate the etiquette of giving and receiving gifts:

Give to those in need. Charitble giving always goes up during the festive period. Help you child develop an empathetic spirit by giving to those in need. Our post 10 ways to pay it forward in Advent will inspire you.
Write thank you letters – Encourage your child to write thank you letters for their presents. Whilst they are unwrapping their presnts make a quick note on whom gave them what.
Open your presents thoughtfully – Show care and consideration as you open your presents, so your child can see how it is done with grace.
Recycle wrapping paper – Caring for the planet is very important, be sure to recyle the wrapping paper one way or another after you have opened your presents. (My mum used to keep the paper for stocking presents the following year.)

For ideas on what gifts to give your only child this Christmas, check out our post 60 gift ideas for an only child.