How to Unspoil Your Child
A spoiled child is a stinky child. They are selfish, egocentric, ungrateful brats and nobody likes them. The 1990’s sitcom Sabrina, the Teenage Witch demonstrated this point perfectly. When Sabrina kept buying herself stuff because she felt she deserved it, she literally started to stink rotten and nobody wanted to hang around her. Do you feel your child is starting to behave like this? It is easy to spoil a child without noticing that is what you are doing until it is too late and they are behaving like an entitled Diva. This guide will give you tips and tricks to help un-spoil your child so they don’t end up like poor Verucca Salt in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory when she couldn’t get what she wanted.
So how do you un-spoil your child, so they grow up to be empathetic, grateful adults that everyone will like?
Spoiled or Blessed?
Before I continue, I feel I ought to highlight the difference between a spoiled child and a blessed child. As parents, we love our children unconditionally. We want what is best for them and we want to shower them with good things. As we only have one child we can pay them more attention, and we can afford to give them more things and more experiences. We may be able to give them a better life than we had as children, i.e. more holidays abroad and a really good university education. To other people, we may seem to be spoiling our child. But so long as the child shows the virtues of patience, humility and kindness towards others they are not being spoiled, they are just blessed with loving parents who care for them.
Me Me Me Epidemic
In today’s society, it is so easy to spoil a child, without even knowing it. Amy McCready, from Positive Parenting Solutions, calls it the, “Me Me Me Epidemic“. It is sweeping across the globe at the rate of Broadband Speed. It’s infiltrating our children’s minds through TV advertising, Influencers and social media. Children are being bombarded with messages such as, “You Deserve This” and “Why Wait?” The marketing machine is ruthless and as parents, we find it exhausting saying, “no” all the time only to be confronted by tantrums. But Fear Not! There are methods to combat the ‘Me Me Me Epidemic‘ and restore your child to being the grateful angel you know they are.
To Un-spoil your child you need to Recognise the Tantrum
McCready points out two types of tantrums.
- The Meltdown. This is when a child does not have the capacity/knowledge to regulate their emotions. This is something they need to learn over time. However, during a meltdown they just need emotional support with someone they feel safe with. I remember hearing a radio presenter explain how her toddler son had a full blown meltdown and could not control his emotions at all. Eventually she said, “when you want this to stop, say, “hug” and I’ll be here.” Very shortly afterwards he said, “hug” and soon calmed down in the loving arms of his mother. Later, she was able to address the issues that triggered the tantrum when his reason was restored to him.
- The Sulk. Pouting or “crocodile tears” is a manipulative tool a child will use to get their own way. It’s imperative we don’t pander to the pout. But there is a real danger we could succumb to it. McCready calls it “The Great Give In“. When parents are tired and worn to the bone it can be so easy to say “yes to a child, when we should be saying “no”. I know I have certainly been guilty of this in the past. However, I am afraid there is no solution to this problem, but to stand firm. Suffer another tantrum, but don’t give in otherwise your child will believe they can manipulate you every time.
Unspoil your child by teaching Patience is a Virtue
We live in an age of instant gratification. Children rarely have to wait for anything to get what they need/want. In the past, families had to work together for their own basic survival. Children would be expected to help reap the fields during harvest time, which is why the summer holidays are so long. Nowadays, parents are squandering huge amounts of money trying to figure out how to entertain their children throughout the summer. Children seem to want the latest cool toy or gadget, and if they don’t have what their friends have they can become ashamed or resentful. But if we constantly give them what they want straight away they can become spoiled and expect instant gratification for the rest of their lives, only to be faced with disappointment.
Teaching Patience
So how do we help our children develop patience, rather than expect instant gratification? We make the wait. We make them earn the stuff they want. My mum was the master of making us wait and it totally paid off. These were the rules she implemented in the household and it made me appreciate what I received with joy and thankfulness because I waited.
Christmas Presents: We were not allowed to open Christmas presents until Christmas day. To stretch Christmas further, we had to open presents from the family on Christmas afternoon and presents from friends on Boxing Day. I love this tradition as it made the build-up to Christmas so much more exciting.
Another way to help unspoil your child at Christmas time is to encourage them to think of others during this time. Check out our post on 10 ways to ‘Pay it Forward’ at Christmas, for ideas of activities to try.
Birthday Presents: We had to open our birthday presents after dinner. So we had to wait all day to open them. Also, mum and dad would not buy us gifts before our birthday or Christmas. Maybe this is because I was from a large family and they couldn’t afford to do this. But if you buy so many gifts for your child before their birthday what can you give them on their birthday? I know I have been guilty of doing this for Sops. Now I have no idea what to buy her for her birthday this year. Doh!
Make them Earn it: If they really want something and they keep nagging you about it, they need to earn it. Set additional chores they can do to help you out and pay them for those chores such as cleaning the car or helping out in the garden. If they want something that is quite expensive you could agree to price match it. They will appreciate the item even more if they have earned it. Also, they may look after it more carefully, if they invested in it themselves.
For more ideas on getting your child to help with chores, check out our post: How to encourage your child to do household chores.
Un-spoil your child by teaching Gratitude is a Virtue
There are some virtues that people value more than others and gratitude is one of them. Many times I have heard people grumble about another person because they were not thankful for a good deed offered to them. However, humility is the virtue of doing something for someone else without expecting praise or gratitude. I think gratitude and humility go hand in hand. If everyone shows both virtues the world would be a happier place. Therefore, I think as parents we need to raise grateful, humble children. There is no point in getting upset with someone who is never thankful, they won’t change. But over time, nobody will want to do them any favours and that will ‘learn ’em’ (poor grammar intended.) But don’t let an unthankful person ruin your day.
Tips to try to Un-spoil your child
So how do we teach our children to be grateful? Here are a few tips on what to do to raise a grateful child:
Please and Thankyou are not magic words. Sometimes I have heard parents say, “what’s the magic word“, to prompt their child to say please or thank you. Then I hear the parents say, “if you use the magic word you get what you want.” I confess I have used this term myself in the past. However, this is sending the wrong message to children. Magic words are used to manipulate the natural world to the bidding of the sorcerer. We don’t want children to think if they use “please” and “thank you” they will definitely get what they want. (Ever heard a child beg, “please, please pretty please with sugar on top?) We want them to use these words because it is the polite thing to do. So instead of saying, “what’s the magic word, say, “what’s the polite word?”
Donating to the Needy. Children grow out of clothes. Children grow out of toys. What are you going to do with these clothes and toys? Sell them on Ebay? Hold a Car Boot Sale? Or donate them to a charity store? Whatever you choose to do with your child’s old clothes and toys, be sure to let them have a say in what they want to do with them. Then they get a choice to think about themselves or other children. Whether they sell the clothes and toys or give them away they will learn valuable life skills and morals.
Volunteering A good way to learn gratitude is to learn to serve other people. If you can volunteer for a community project as a family, you can teach your child to pay it forward. They will recognise the good things they have and want to help pass on their good fortune to others. The Kids Health site explains more about the benefits of volunteering as a family.
Support your local food bank When you go shopping, buy a little extra food for a family in need. Your child can pick out food they think would be suitable (with a little guidance from yourself). Then your child can add the food into the food bank basket in the supermarket. This can generate a great conversation about poverty, so your child learns there are many people who are not as fortunate as themselves.
Write a Thankful Journal When life is getting us down it can be so easy to forget our blessings. But there is a reason why a lot of world religions stress the importance of being thankful, it’s good for our souls. If you encourage your child to write a thankful journal where they list all the things they are grateful for each night, they will go to bed with a contented spirit.
Write Thank You Cards My parents insisted that we wrote thank you cards after Christmas to our relatives who gave us gifts. This also included relatives who gave us things we didn’t really want. I think my aunt and uncle had shares in a wash bag company, or they thought I was smelly. Whatever the reason, we got wash bags every year for Christmas. But we had to write thank you cards. Not only did this teach us to be thankful, but it also helped us improve our writing skills.
Other Resources
There are a plethora of great books and resources out there to help parents raise polite, thoughtful children who will make a great positive impact in the world. Here are a few suggestions:
Book: Amy McCready: Me Me Me Epidemic
Book: Louis J. Lichtman, Ph.D: A Practical Guide for Raising a Self-Directed and Caring Child
Book: Michelle Borba Ed.D Unselfie
Website: Very Well Family
Website: Care.com
Join the Conversation
Has your child started to show the behaviour of a spoiled brat? Are they not as grateful as you would like them to be? Or have you mastered a system that quashes the “Me Me Me Epidemic” for good? Have people told you that you are spoiling your one and only when all you are doing is showering them with affection and attention that all children need? Please do share your thoughts on this hot topic in Our Forum. Or in the Comments box below.
