How to be a peace with only one child

Guilt. It’s an ugly word, yet it seems to be a prevalent feeling amongst parents. People can feel guilty for having too many children and not being able to give each child the attention they deserve. Maybe parents feel guilty for only having one child and then their child feels lonely. Perhaps parents feel guilty because they had a child later in life and they cannot be as active as other parents are? Whatever your situation, there will be positive outcomes as well as negative ones. The key is to learn to be at peace with only one child and to celebrate your family no matter how big or small it may be. So long as you love your child and you are raising them to be a good person, you are a good parent.

But guilt and sadness and anger are all very powerful emotions and can destroy relationships if they are allowed to fester. So this is our guide to help you be at peace with having only one child and supporting your partner with this decision. There is also some advice on how to talk to others who do not understand your position.

In addition, there are some helpful websites at the end of this post to direct you to other support networks.

You don’t owe anyone another human being

I often say that when you are planning a family you have to consider everyone who will be affected by this; including yourself, your partner, your child and any baby yet to be. This is because each member of the family is an individual in their own right and will have their own thoughts, feelings and personality for you all to relate to.

When people tell you that your child needs a sibling they are wrong. You don’t owe your child another human being to be a companion to them. What if they have nothing in common? What if they resent each other? Plenty of families with more than one child complains that their children argue all the time. How would you feel if you were solely conceived to be a playmate for your elder sibling? Your child will have needs that you must address including other human contacts, as we are social creatures, but giving them another sibling just to meet this need is not always the most healthy decision for you, your child or the child yet to be.

My partner wants another baby but I do not want another child

You also don’t owe your partner another human being. This is a bit of a controversial idea that is open for discussion, but bear with me on this. Husbands can love their wives for bearing their children and continuing the family legacy. Wives can love their husbands for giving them a baby to love. The consequence of physical love can bring forth new life into the world, which can be expected and sometimes unexpected. But if parents are happy to adapt to their changing situation all is well.

However, if one partner is putting pressure on another one to have more children than they are comfortable with, it puts a huge strain on a loving relationship. It can cause bitterness and resentful feelings and even destroy a relationship.

Dr Jess Beckett, Natural Family Planning Consultant in East Anglia recommends the following suggestions when talking about family planning with your partner:

Make an emotional connection: Why do you love each other? How do you love each other? If you are struggling to make an emotional connection at the moment take a Love Language test together and discover each other’s love language and learn how to speak it.

Emotional Value: Give each other a voice. Actively listen to each other, even if you do not agree, give your partner emotional value. They will give you respect if you acknowledge their thoughts and feelings on the topic.

Give reasons for your argument: If you are one and done because of a particular reason share it with your partner. They could have similar qualms or come up with a solution you had not considered before.

Do you need more help? If other outside factors are impeding your decision to be OAD or to grow your family address these issues now or they may impact other parts of your relationship. There are some useful website links below that may help.

It is not a one-off decision. Keep revisiting this issue as people change as they grow. Before I got married I did not want children, but suddenly broody feelings hit me two years into my marriage. I did not expect that. Accept that your mind may change or your partner’s mind may change. Keep the conversation open. Don’t shut each other off.

How to be at peace with only one child if it is not by choice

Sometimes people can set their hearts on having big families, but circumstances prevent this dream from coming true and it can be devastating. The sorrow can be so great it sucks the joy out of life and can have a huge impact on relationships and people’s mental health.

If you are in this position there are a number of options that you can consider. But whatever decision you choose to take with your partner always seek professional help. This is so you can make a fully informed decision and that you can both be emotionally supported.

Napro Technology: This is a wholly natural treatment for those with infertility issues. It is not available on the NHS sadly, but it boasts a 40% success rate for couples trying to conceive. Napro Technology is also a more affordable method than IVF. There is a link to clinics in the UK and the USA below if you want to learn more.

Fostering: If your home is big enough to accept another child why not consider fostering? There are thousands of children in care who are desperate for a stable home to live in. If you are able to offer a service to them there are plenty of agencies that pay parents to foster children. There are links to agencies in both the UK and USA below.

Adoption: I won’t lie, adoption is really hard these days. It’s not as simple as picking up a child from the local orphanage and hoping for the best like in Anne of Green Gables. Parents who want to adopt have to prove they are financially secure and worthy of adopting a child. Obviously, it is important to put safeguards in place to protect vulnerable children from being exploited, but it is a long road to follow. There are links to adoption agencies below to find out more about the process.

Grieve: If you have already tried the methods above or decided to accept being one and done even if it is not by choice, you may need to go through a process of grieving the life you cannot have. If you planned to have more children than just one and circumstances have taken that choice from you then by all means walk through the steps of grief. Be angry, be in denial, negotiate, be depressed, acknowledge every single emotion. However, if you get stuck on your journey through grief seek professional help to get through it. For once you have gone through the process of grief the last step is acceptance. With acceptance, you will finally be at peace with only one child. You will treasure your child even more and your own little family. Then the joy will come.

How to be at peace with only one child when your child wants a sibling

Now there’s the rub. This is where the guilty feelings can really dig in. However, your child needs to learn that the grass is not always greener on the other side. Perhaps they feel they are missing out on something amazing because they have not got any brothers and sisters to play with. But so long as their basic, social and emotional needs are being met they will come to terms with being an only child and may eventually appreciate it.

Here is how to help your child be at peace when they are an only child.

Use Maslow’s Heirarchy of Needs as a Guide

Abraham Maslow created this infographic to demonstrate what each human requires to have a fulfilled life. As you can see in the image no one requires a sibling to feel fulfilled. However, people do need relationships and friendships and your child is no different. So long as you can work to meet this need, i.e. spend quality time with your child and arrange play dates with friends etc. then they will have a fulfilled life. If you need help fulfilling any of these needs ask for help. There are plenty of organisations worldwide devoted to helping people meet their needs whether it is food and shelter or offering quality education to help people discover themselves.

In regards to helping your child develop friendships, they can meet other “only” children through our Forum.

Check out our other posts for children to help them grow and learn such as:

How to make friends when you are an only child
A Child’s Guide to Dealing with Bullies
Imaginary Friends
A kid’s Guide to Homeschooling by Sops

How to be at peace with only one child when people question your decision

People are people. We are naturally curious. We want to know about each other’s lifestyles so we can either learn from them, relate to them, or judge them to make us feel better. It is so easy to judge another person’s life decision if it is so different from your own. We all have our prejudices. Sometimes we acknowledge them, but mostly they are hidden deep in our conscious and we are not aware they are even there.

There is nothing wrong with showing an interest in someone else’s life, but it is perfectly okay to say you don’t want to share the reasons why you are one and done.

Here are some responses you can offer when people ask you why you are OAD.

I have learned not to let things people say bother me; life is too short for that. So long as you are content with your life and you love your child you don’t have to justify yourself to anyone. Make a conscious decision not to let things people say bother you, for they mostly speak out of ignorance.

In Conclusion

We hope this post has proven useful to you. To find out more about Sops and me and our own story read our ‘About Us‘ Page.

We would love you to join our community and meet fellow OAD parents. Feel free to join our conversations on our Forum.

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Comments

We would really love to know your views on this issue. Please share your comments below on how you have made peace being OAD, or what you think of our post. If there are any other organisations that you have found supportive please do let us know and we can add a link to the useful websites below.